happy

October 28, 2023

it's 1:20 am and ive had a long, tiring couple of weeks but im also exhorbantly happy right nnow. which may be the effect of the fireball and (similar drink my friend had that i dont currently remember the name of) that ive consumed tonight as well as the teensy bit of cart weed i was able to injest b4 my batterydied. but does that really matter?? because in this moment im happy. im nothing but happy.

im in a life where im surrounded by friends and ive got a routine all figured out by myself for myself. im living life the way i used to always dream of, surrounded by people i love (and people i hate but thats just the cost of working a customer service job on campus)...plus id rather be surrounded by strangers i hate than people im overly familiar with and still hate.

im typically overwhelmed with the fact that im constantly figuring out how to live as an adult and how to become myself adn figure everythign out. but right now i feel like everything will be okay.

listneing to music and scrolling twitter. why are so many songs ive heard on tiktok actually good outside the 15 seconds of chorus ive heard in snippets? why have i never listened to these songs outside of that context? why does my spotify daylist actually know what i want to hear? what will the future mean with this curernt idea of artificial intelligence already dictating specific elements of our lives. what is the meaning of a college education and official degree if it's just as easy to pass an assignment with the help of an ai chat bot as it is to pass it with the shitposting of our own minds?

im rambling. i always do. can i help it??? this song is really good. it's making me ponder. as music tends to do.

i'm happy now. will i be happy in teh future? is that something for me to even worry about right now?? i know in my heart of hearts ill be happiest if i stop giving a fuck. if i just live in the moment. but when the moment passes, will i regret not comemmorating it all enough?

i guess i wont know until the moments pass. i'll try my best to find a balance of enjoying it naturally and also memorizing the exact details of my happiness to hold onto for later, when i might not feel as happy as i do currently. i think that's what life is all about. figuring out what to savor in the moment, and what to save for later.

for now, i know this: i am happy and i love my friends. and i love my friends because i am happy, and i am happy because i love my friends. what more could i want of life?

xoxo gossip girl

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how to be alone

August 30, 2023

i have spent a lot of this summer with myself. and i feel like ive re-learned what my life used to be like, as a kid.

growing up, i'd spend a lot my free time alone in my room. my entire life outside of school was myself, except for the time id spend playing wii with my little brother or walking my dogs with my dad. i think i didnt think anything of it at the time because i didnt really know anything else.

but this entire summer has been achingly lonely. and it's so weird because it's like ive forgotten how to be alone?

i used to always call myself an introvert, and the thing is i DO feel like im somewhat introverted, i have never been one to be enthusiastic about meeting new people or spending a majority of my time with others. but i think the time ive spent in college constantly being surrounded by my friends has made me realize im actually kinda miserable alone. it's like some irreversable internal change i didnt even know happened before it was too late.

pretty soon im moving back into my dorm, and this entire summer will feel like a blur, an awful in-between stage of loneliness and isolation that i wont even fully remember. but right now in this moment i feel these feelings so strongly, i cant think of anything else. it's like...how babies dont have object permanence, so they get got by peek-a-boo because they're like wehre the FUCK did they go. except im just like, now that ive spent so much time away from college, i cant comprehend that all my friends, professors, classmates, even the random strangers i somehow see all the time anywhere in campus - i cant comprehend that they're real?

idk. it makes sense to me.

but ill be back soon. and then the whole 'object permanence' thing will reverse, and i'll be left forgetting what it ever felt like to be so overwhelmingly alone. maybe i'll be better off for it.

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i hate summer

August 8, 2023

ok i know the title says i hate summer but that isnt totally true.. moreso im just so bored at home and my days r blurring into an endless loop of boredom and loneliness, i dont hate the season i just hate the feelings i usually get during it.

i wish somebody had HIRED ME, i wanted so bad to use this summer to just grind working as much as possible and save like 90% of my paychecks so i have post grad savings (since this upcoming year of college is my last) but noooo instead...im just. sitting at my desk. complaining on a self-contained blog on a neosite i made out of the hours upon hours of free time being jobless has afforded me.

i know that once im back at school, ill be complaining about not having any free time to just chill and do nothing. but idgaf, rn im in 100% do-nothing state and i despise it. i just miss my friends.

one more year of college and then ill never feel this feeling again. should i be enjoying it more? the lack of responsibilities? (besides my remote internship im doing..) should i be immersing myself fully in the pool of nothingness ive been in this summer? maybe years from now, swamped with real adult life worries and business, ill look back on this summer as the last good summer of my life; the last summer where i could afford to do nothing. but as of right now, im wishing i was in that future time. i feel like im in limbo, just in between phases of my life, meant to do nothing, helpless to the passage of time, painfully aware of each minute that seems to last for hours, counting down the days until i can pack up my room and re-start life.

very dramatic way to say im bored.

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cameras

July 27, 2023

there's something super interesting about learning something about urself .. and then looking back and realizing you actually should have known that about yourself the entire time.

one thing like this that stands out to me is - i always have been someone who just,, loves a camera. as a kid i took that to mean that i should be dreaming about being the one who's in front of the lens. but now im like, it's always been so much more than that??

i look back on things i did as a kid, and im like, why couldnt i tell sooner? how did i spend so much time guessing at what i would want to pursue as my whole ~lifelong career~ or whatever (ignoring how insane of a thought that is, to be choosing what you'll do for the rest of ur fucking life at the ripe young age of 17/18) - but why should i guesS? how could i? when i my entire life had been finding the most joy in being the person behind the camera

and yeah yeah this isnt entirely literal, i mean i dont consider myself a cinematographer that much, i dont really know my way around a professional camera and honestly im not sure i want to fully learn that. but just in general- ive always been someone yearning to tell stories, writing my stupid little "novels" in the spare pages of school notebooks, drawing stick figure comics on any scrap of paper that was in front of me, recording unedited, spur-of-the-moment "short films" with my family computer's webcam and my little brother as an actor.

i look at my little photo gallery ive put on this site and i realize, im the same as i always have been. this "new hobby" that i'd thought i'd picked up recently of purposely taking pics on digital cameras- it's not new, not at all. ive always been trying to capture every moment in front of me, with whatever technology was available to me.

anyways. im just rambling.

i like taking pictuers. i like telling storise. i like making films. i like cameras.

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i <3 the hunger games

July 20, 2023

lately ive been in a REAL hunger games era .. and by real i mean real.

ive finally finished reading mockingjay (i'd been trying to have time to get to that since march haha), ive rewatched the hunger games + catching fire, and i've started reading the "peeta's games" series on ao3, which is the thg trilogy re-told from peeta's pov. im in the first 1/3 of "throwing sparks," the equivalent of catching fire - right around the middle of them doing their victory tour thing.

it's bad, liek it's a real obsession and im aware of it but like whatever ive got nothing else to do besides like, video editing for my internship. luckily the obsession isnt THAT bad where it's getting in the way of me getting the important shit like that done LOL but i do find myself only wanting to do something related to thg - i gotta be like writing my student thesis film rn and im not LOL

but then again i'd already been procrastinating that in favor of sims 4 and minecraft already Soooo.. !

#peeniss4ever

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first journal entry ;P

July 11, 2023

im listening to fall out boy and writing this - missing my fob show, missing how fun that was. im listening to the setlist playlist i made, a little less sixteen candles is playing rn and i love this song SO much.

i desperately need a job but i dont have one rn so instead im making this website. what else am i gonna do w all this free time???? this isn't my first time making a personal site, but this is the most extensive one ive made i think. my last one was just like, a main page with some small subpages that were literally just awful awful hahaha like so stupid simple to make. these pages r simple too but that's bc im copy/pasting format stuff b4 changing it up to make each page ~unique~

its fun tho! i luvvv luv html/css, i luv making things exactly how i want them 2 look. makes me miss the old internet i didnt even fully get to experience -i was too busy being young w strict parents lol >__<

anyways! let's see if i 4get about this blog .. hehe. hopefully not